Saturday, July 22, 2006

The pulse beats....

Tonight I had Mike and Steph over to my apartment. Steph and I cooked dinner, and we just ate, and watched part of a movie, then had drinks and dessert. It was fun, but a little weird. It was obvious there was something missing. A hole to be filled. It was the first time since Sam and I broke up that I've done something with just the two of them. It used to always be the four of us, two happy couples. But tonight, it was the happy couple, and their somewhat happy friend. It was a good evening, all in all. It just felt, to me anyway, that something was missing.

Don't get me wrong here....but I don't miss him anymore. I can't. I miss the idea of him. The idea of having a date on national holidays, the idea of having someone to go places with, to do things with. Someone to share my dreams with.

I was in Park City this afternoon, at a barbeque with my family. I look at my cousin Laurie, and her life....she has a husband who would do anything in the world for her, and the three most beautiful kids I've ever seen. Yet still, her life isn't perfect...not by a long shot. But she has family. People around her who depend on her, and love her beyond words...beyond the stars. I know I do too, but not in quite the same way...I have family who would do anything they could for me if I needed it, I know that. But its different to have a companion. It's a very different kind of love. I know its not necessary, but it is nice.

I look at my mother, who is my absolute hero, and she just amazes me. I feel like she's the backbone of our family, the glue holding us all in. She does so much, its really incredible. And I know she doesn't feel even a quarter of the appreciation we all have for her...the love we all have for her.

I'm worried about my grandfather these days, which isn't really anything new, he's been sick for a very, very long time, but he hasn't had a good week at all. He seems to be slowing down more and more each day now. All I want for him is to be out of his pain. I want him to be able to be truly happy, which he can't while he's in pain...but that's another story.

All in all, life is good. And the world will keep turning, the seasons will change, the rain will fall, the sun will shine. No matter what. Life goes on. And its time I go along with it.

I'm not sorry.

1 comment:

allegri said...

Dear Alison, I know how it goes after a break up. Its hard. It does indeed seem that losing the feeling of being wanted is worse than missing the person themself. You are not alone, there. It sucks, I have been through it too many times. Hopefully not again. But alas, I can not count my stars... I'll be praying for you (and for your grandfather)! If you need anything just give me a jingle.