Why is it...

that in American culture we are so hell-bent on keeping up our pace and hurrying through all of life until we die and have nothing to look back on except whether or not we met our deadlines?

We live to work instead of working to live. I long for the latter. With my major and the more I learn and research capitalism and globalization, the ways in which the world is quickly spinning, the more sickened I become with this country and the things that are commonly valued within this culture-the more disenchanted I am with the prospect of spending my entire life here...

I have been thinking very seriously lately of moving to Britain or Australia or somewhere else, anywhere I can find a better paced life, one that emphasizes living, instead of taking away from it. I long to break free of the fast-paced, back-breaking culture by which I am currently surrounded.

Answered Prayers...

The song below, called Break Me, is a song by Steele and Kim Croswhite. Nearly a year ago now a good friend took me to The Rock Church for the first time. I loved it, and began going often. However, soon circumstances and life happened, and I got into the habit of only going once or twice every six weeks or so. It had been sort of a hit or miss thing for a while. But the song below has been my silent, sometimes conscious sometimes unconscious prayer for myself for the last year. In the past few months, since August, it has truly come to pass. I have been completely broken. And tonight, I am saved.

Break Me by Steele Croswhite

When the whispering comes in the dark, and they tell me that I am not set apart. Jesus, in those lonely hours, help me to claim Your truth and Your power in me, in me. Take this rebellious life and make it real. Awaken me to Your son and break me. break me. When I have become old and tired. I’ve been under Your shelter, I’ve been through the fire. May I still sing “holy holy is my God my King Almighty, He lives in me.” There’s nothing that I want to know but Your love. Nothing to offer You, but my broken heart. Take this rebellious life and make it real. Awaken me to Your son and break me. break me.

The pulse beats....

Tonight I had Mike and Steph over to my apartment. Steph and I cooked dinner, and we just ate, and watched part of a movie, then had drinks and dessert. It was fun, but a little weird. It was obvious there was something missing. A hole to be filled. It was the first time since Sam and I broke up that I've done something with just the two of them. It used to always be the four of us, two happy couples. But tonight, it was the happy couple, and their somewhat happy friend. It was a good evening, all in all. It just felt, to me anyway, that something was missing.

Don't get me wrong here....but I don't miss him anymore. I can't. I miss the idea of him. The idea of having a date on national holidays, the idea of having someone to go places with, to do things with. Someone to share my dreams with.

I was in Park City this afternoon, at a barbeque with my family. I look at my cousin Laurie, and her life....she has a husband who would do anything in the world for her, and the three most beautiful kids I've ever seen. Yet still, her life isn't perfect...not by a long shot. But she has family. People around her who depend on her, and love her beyond words...beyond the stars. I know I do too, but not in quite the same way...I have family who would do anything they could for me if I needed it, I know that. But its different to have a companion. It's a very different kind of love. I know its not necessary, but it is nice.

I look at my mother, who is my absolute hero, and she just amazes me. I feel like she's the backbone of our family, the glue holding us all in. She does so much, its really incredible. And I know she doesn't feel even a quarter of the appreciation we all have for her...the love we all have for her.

I'm worried about my grandfather these days, which isn't really anything new, he's been sick for a very, very long time, but he hasn't had a good week at all. He seems to be slowing down more and more each day now. All I want for him is to be out of his pain. I want him to be able to be truly happy, which he can't while he's in pain...but that's another story.

All in all, life is good. And the world will keep turning, the seasons will change, the rain will fall, the sun will shine. No matter what. Life goes on. And its time I go along with it.

I'm not sorry.

I wish I didn't care so much 

Time, Waiting, and Hope

I saw a movie today. It was about hope, and time, and waiting. Waiting....
It seems like lately waiting is becoming my mantra. I'm waiting to move out, which is now only two weeks away, waiting for that special someone once again. I really loved that movie, it was "The Lake House". It reminded me that even if things seem to be off right now they will fall into place at some point. Relationship wise, anyway. And however things do end up will be how they should be. It's hard to have that hope sometimes, but slowly my hope is being restored in that area.
They say that time can heal a broken heart, but I'm not sure that's true. I think all time can really do is make you forget....forget how badly it might have hurt. And by the time you remember it again it doesn't matter to you anymore. At least that's generally how I've observed things to be. In my own life, I can look at a couple of high school relationships I had that ended with the other person wanting out, and I vaguely recall how upset and hurt I was when that happened. But I don't feel that hurt anymore from those relationships. All I feel of it now is the good times, and what I've learned from all those experiences.
I think all time really does is give you the necessary distance in order to begin again.

Time just seems to be moving slowly for me right now.

Which One of Them by Garth Brooks

The girl at the bar, she bought me a beer
And she'd like to know if I'm new around here
And the gal that I danced with says she's all alone
her friends have all left and she needs a ride home

Oh and there have been others who gave me the eye
But if they only knew they were wasting their time
'Cause there's only one lover I can give my heart to
But you didn't want it and you broke it in two

(So tell me) which one of them will you be tonight
Oh which one will hold me in your arms so tight
I've forgotten what's wrong, given up on what's right
(Tell me) which one of them will you be tonight

So I'll just smile and pretend and she'll never know
Who she's up against when she's holdin' me close
You're all that I want, girl, you're all that I need
And when I close my eyes, honey you're all I see

(So tell me) which one of them will you be tonight
Oh which one will hold me in your arms so tight
I've forgotten what's wrong, given up on what's right
(Tell me) which one of them will you be tonight

Learning to Live Again by Garth Brooks

I burned my hand, I cut my face
Heaven knows how long it's been
Since I've felt so out of place
I'm wonderin' if I'll fit in

Debbie and Charley said they'd be here by nine
And Deb said she might bring a friend
Just my luck, they're right on time
So here I go again

I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me

Little cafe, table for four
But there's just conversation for three
I like the way she let me get the door
I wonder what she thinks of me

Debbie just whispered, "You're doin' fine"
And I wish that I felt the same
She's asked me to dance, now her hand's in mine
Oh, my god, I've forgotten her name

But I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me

Now here we are beneath her porch light
And I say what a great time it's been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, "can I see you again"

And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it's going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"

Oh this learning to live again is killing me

God this learning to live again is killing me

Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies

I think it's getting to the point
where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
that is the hardest part

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
when we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
a game of who loves more than whom

and if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's best for
you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same to me
when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

so if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed-up things that you do
if you ever do,
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild

rebuild
rebuild
rebuild
rebuild...

Softball!!

This summer I decided/was recruited to join and play for my uncle Mike's coed softball team. As most of you probably know, I've never been an incredibly athletic person, however for softball/baseball, I'm happy to play. It's definitely my favorite sport aside from soccer. I also recruited one of my best friends and soon to be roommate Stephanie to play with us. She is an incredible player, and definitely the star of our team. She played softball in high school, and for years before that as well.
Last night was our first game...

It went so well! WE WON...the final score was something like 19-3. The team is definitely a family affair...Our name is Petersen-Greer Inc. Named for our sponsors, the Petersens and my grandparents, the Greers. My uncle Mike is coaching/managing as I mentioned earlier, and the team is made up of his wife's son Cory, his kids Scott and Tysha, their step-dad Lance, and their aunt Jean, her sister-in-law Kristin, Scott's friend Scott, me, my uncle Bob, and Steph.

For our first game last night my grandparents came to watch and support us, as did many others of the family. It was just one of those times when everything was just wonderful for that moment in time.

My wonderful boyfriend Sam was there to support the team! Speaking of which, his birthday is tomorrow and I'm so excited to give him his presents. I can't say what they are because he might read this, but I'm just so excited to give these presents to him. Very exciting!!

Well, off I go to start my day now, have a good one!

Thoughts on Soulforce at BYU: xenophobia: Is it acceptible for a Christian faith to condemn and judge others?

A week or two ago I recieved an e-mail from a good friend talking about an event on her campus. She attends Brigham Young University, and there is an event taking place there on April 10 involving Soulforce, a group committed to "freedom fro lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance." The following is the text from the e-mail I recieved.

Just today, though, I got this email from BYU that led me to an additional option:

"Over the weekend some of you received an E-mail message from the group Soulforce, which is planning to come to Provo on April 10 as part of a nationwide tour. A few of you asked if BYU is aware of this visit and how we intend to respond.
We are aware and simply intend to follow general university policy. Although a private university, BYU has an open campus. Individuals may come onto our campus so long as they are courteous and engage in civil dialogue that is not disruptive to the campus community. Individuals may not, however, harass our students, faculty or staff or use our campus as a public forum in violation of BYU’s public-expression policy. This policy applies to anyone or any organization that wishes to come onto our campus. As we have already communicated to Soulforce, BYU will not change its policies or practices to accommodate the group’s desire to promote its initiatives.
As with all visitors to our campus, we appreciate the respectful manner in which you treat them. Should members of Soulforce decide to visit our campus in keeping with BYU’s policies, we know you will show them this same civility. However, no one is under any obligation to visit with or listen to a member of this group."

Made me curious, to say the least--I'd never heard of Soulforce, though you may have. So I did some research: http://www.soulforce.org/. Turns out it's an organization committed to fighting religious and political oppression of GLBT people. The group, as explained in BYU's rather terse and evasive notice, is specifically visiting Provo as part of its Equality Ride (http://www.equalityride.com/).
So... sorry, about the novel here, but point is... http://www.equalityride.com/application.php?application=register&direct_action_id=13 .

They're looking for volunteers to help with their rally or whatever they're doing down here. So if you're interested or you know anyone who might be... let me know, because I'm seriously considering doing something but I'm a little shy about it on my own.

After reading the information included in her e-mail, as well as going to the Soulforce website (see above link) I was very interested in supporting the group and their ambitions. I talked to my friend the next day and she told me about some articles in BYU's newspaper addressing the event and how BYU students "should" respond to it.

My friend was very upset by the hypocrisy she saw in these articles as well as in some overriding thought processes of many students at her university. In her angst, she decided to write a letter to the editor, which was published. She posted it on her website and I strongly reccommend all of you to read it and the comments that follow.

I was astounded at the weakness and illogical arguements used in the first comment. As found in my reply I began to refute the arguements in the best and most effective ways I could. I plan on writing a blog following this to expand upon my comment and provide a clearer explanation of my views. I welcome any enlightened intellectual debate on the issue, please leave comments!

RENT by Jonathan Larson

THIS IS A CROSS-POST FROM MY OTHER BLOG


MARK
How do you document real life when real life’s getting more like fiction each day?Headlines - bread-lines blow my mindAnd now this deadline “Eviction - or pay”Rent!

ROGER
How do you write a song when the chords sound wrong,though they once sounded right and rare? When the notes are sour Where is the power you once had to ignite the air?

MARK
And we’re hungry and frozen

ROGER
Some life that we’ve chosen

ROGER & MARK
How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? Last year’s rent?

ROGER
How do you start a fire when there’s nothingto burn and it feels like something’s stuck in your flue?

MARK
How can you generate heatWhen you can’t feel your feet?

ROGER & MARK
And they’re turning blue!

MARK
You light up a mean blaze

ROGER
With posters -

MARK
And screenplays

ROGER & MARK
How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay?How we gonna pay? Last year’s rent?

COLLINS
How do you stay on your feet when on every streetIt’s “trick or treat” and tonight it’s “trick”“Welcome back to town” I should lie downEverything’s brown, and uh-ohI feel sick

MARK
Where is he?

COLLINS
Getting dizzy

ROGER & MARK
How we gonna pay

TENANTS
How we gonna payHow we gonna pay

ROGER, MARK & TENANTS
Last year’s rent

MARK
“The music ignites the night with passionate fire”

ROGER
“The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit”

MARK
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground

ROGER & MARK
And feel the heat of the future’s glowHow do you leave the past behindWhen it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out“Til you’re torn apartRent!

ROGER, MARK & TENANTS
How can you connect in an ageWhere strangers, landlords, loversYour own blood cells betray!What binds the fabric togetherWhen the ringing, shifting winds of changeKeep ripping away!

BENNY
Draw a line in the sandAnd then make a stand!

ROGER
Use your camera to spar

MARK
Use your guitar

TENANTS
When they act tough - you call their bluff

ROGER & MARK
We’re not gonna pay

ROGER, MARK & TENANTS
We’re not gonna payWe’re not gonna payLast year’s rent! This year’s rent!Next year’s rentRent rent rent rent rentWe’re not gonna pay rent!!
‘Cause everything is RENT!!!



If you’re unfamiliar with Rent, it is a very powerful story about friends battling disease, relationships, societal norms, mulitculturalism, addiction, sexual orientation and many other contemporary issues. The story is incredibly powerful and an incredible message that I believe imperative to reach thousands of people around the world, enlightening them through the power of theatre and music to the horrible truth that so many people all around the world are suffering from: poverty, AIDS (as well as other diseases) and being shunned and outcasts of society because of personal lifestyle. The story is touching and powerful, written originially as an off-Broadway show written by Jonathan Larson.

I believe it is a very important message to spread as far and wide as it possibly can be, and with the DVD release today, I pray that the story is shared with as many people as possible.


God Bless.


No day but today.

My thoughts on Valentine's Day

First of all, let me wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day!

Today I've talked with quite a few people about today, with many varying ideas and opinions on the holiday. It caused me to think about my own opinion of Valentine's Day. When I was younger, in elementary school especially, I loved this holiday, simply because it was one more opportunity to do less school work and have lots of candy. I grew older anticipating the day I would have a boyfriend and have some sort of picture perfect, romantic Valentine's Day.

Now, my personal opinion of Valentine's Day is that I do not like this day. I am opposed to it fundamentally. And today in voicing my own opinion of today by saying "yeah, I hate Valentine's Day" I'm certain that many people I talked to probably are under the impression that I'm just bitter or cynical or both.

That, however, is not true. Some people may be bitter or cynical about today because they are single, another name often heard instead of Valentine's Day is "Single's Awareness Day". That is not the view I take, however, I dislike Valentine's Day even when I have a boyfriend, that fact has nothing to do with my own personal opinion of the holiday.

So, here's the deal: I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day before, and I've been single on Valentine's Day before. I have indeed experienced it both ways, and in both cases, I dislike it.

The harsh reality of the day:

I hate the fact that there is a designated day to tell someone you love them. Life is much to short to wait a year to do something special for the one you love. All the things people typically do on Valentine's Day should be spread out throughout the year. It's more meaningful that way because it really honestly comes from the person, not just society's idea that on February 14 everyone is supposed to tell the people they care about how much they love them, and even more, buy them stuff. Every day should be devoted to those we love, if it isn't, which it often isn't, there are some serious problems in our society. Love is an emotion that, in my opinion, should be shared as much as possible every single day of the year, not reserved for a cold day in February.

Now, that is not to say that I don't appreciate all the cute things that people often do for each other on Valentine's Day. I enjoy getting meaningful presents from the one's I love. Last year I was given a very special, meaningful gift. It was a beautiful chenille throw blanket, in my favorite color. Not only was the blanket original, and thoughtful, but my boyfriend told me that each time I wrapped it around me, it was a hug from him. It was the most special and thoughtful gift I've ever been given for this holiday. Gifts like candy, lingerie, and even the cliché dozen red roses should not be given on this day! Women don't want candy since most are on a diet anyway (the exception here being really good chocolate such as Godiva). Women also don't want gifts of lingerie which are really for the men anyway. MEN: do not buy women sexy clothes for Valentine's Day, its not what she wants! EVER! Also, buying a dozen red roses is much to cliché unless it happens to be her favorite flower. Flowers in and of themselves are good ideas, but be sure to find out what her favorites are, and get those, don't just guess. Another failsafe is a nice piece of jewelery. You'll never lose with that, unless its cheap jewelery, and women always find out, believe me!

I hope that this might clear up what my own personal opinions of Valentine's Day are, and once again, I wish everyone a wonderful day!

Spring 2006, Schedule

Spring 2006

Beautiful Snow

A few days ago I was sitting in the Union ballroom, in between classes. There is an entire wall of windows that look out onto part of campus, and outside that day the snow was coming down. It surprised me a little just how incredibly calm everything looked outside. It was so peaceful. Like everything was being muffled and embraced in a soft, pure blanket. The entire scene suddenly seemed so cleansing to me. As I left the silence and tranquility of the ballroom, I was a part of the scene I had been so enthralled by only a few moments before.

As the snow drifted down, constantly but softly, I felt suddenly that it was attempting to slow our incredibly rushed world. Slow everyone and everything down. Make us notice the small things that make our world so wonderful and amazing. As this comforting blanket surrounded me I felt so alive, and so at peace.

Love Songs and Prayers.

The Storm
by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm? So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form. The water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head.
If I could just see you everything would be alright. If I could see you this darkness would turn into light and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall, and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright, and everything will be alright.
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,so why am I ten feet under and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose 'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface. If I could just see you everything would be alright. If I could see you this darkness would turn into light and I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright and everything will be alright.
and I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright and everything will be alright.
everything's alright.

I love that song. The version I have is an acoustic, and it is so quietly powerful in its message. Take whatever meaning you personally will out of it.
There are many popular songs, much like the one above, that are written as love songs, however the meaning I seem to almost always take out of them lately is a different kind of 'love song'. I regard them as prayers. Think of some of your favorite 'love songs' and see whether or not they could be sung as a prayer?
Many of my favorites can be. I find it incredibly interesting the connection between the two subjects. Especially when I think of the lyrics in one of my favorite songs called Miracles by Steele Croswhite. Part of the lyrics sing "that I can even love at all because You first loved me..." To me, those lyrics sum up what I've been talking about, the connection between love songs and prayers in a beautiful way.
I know that I would not be able to love at all had it not been for my God.

Lately I've felt much like what the song above talks about... "I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,so why am I ten feet under and upside down?" Although it sounds very hopeless, I don't believe it is, and I am not hopeless [just for the record, and for those of you who worry so much ;-) ] I have hope that God has a plan for me, and that He will lead me to where He needs me to be. The difficult part is waiting, watching, and giving myself over to be lead.

I feel like all I can do at this point is thank God for all He has done in my life, which I know is more than I realize, see and acknowledge, and strive to be fixed, cleansed, closer, and lead by Him.