Friday, June 01, 2007

So, I'm feeling a little odd, off and on lately (there are a few reasons for that, one of which is that I'm going off a medication I've been on for the last 8 months)... In my last blog, I talked about how great the beginnings of relationships are, which is so true. And after my now boyfriend read that last post I wrote, he was amazing about making me feel confident and secure in our relationship. This is starting to sound like I'm not anymore, which isn't true....In fact its exactly the opposite! I have never felt this comfortable and secure and confident in a relationship before. It really is amazing how Justin and I just seem to fit.
The thing I needed to write about is my own personal insecurities. I have these involuntary reactions to certain things, and then I get mad at myself for them. Like tonight, for example, Justin and I were doing some of those trust exercises, where you fall back and let the other person catch you. The thing that was really getting to me was that I completely trust him, I really do, but I kept flinching and having a hard time just letting myself fall. I started crying, and then I just felt dumb.
The thing is, though, it really wasn't from past least not in the way everyone tends to think. I mean, my past relationships are just that, in the past, ancient history. What isn't though, is....well, to be brutally honest, the history of my relationship with my dad. And I know this is seeming convoluted and probably very odd, but I was never extremely close to my dad. And I always felt like he built me up so much in his mind, and to everyone he came (comes) into contact with, that there is no possible way for me to live up to it all. And here's where the trust thing comes in: I've always been envious of friends of mine who completely trust their fathers and have good if not great relationships with them. And this whole issue really gets to me, because I've dealt with it for so long, and I know exactly what the problem is, and how to fix it, which is basically just let go of the anger I used to have (which I have done) and just, well, basically start fresh with things. And I have, but somehow there is still that tendency I've had since I can remember that I always build a wall up...and it usually takes a lot for me to let people in. You know how some kids have security blankets? I had this mechanism sort of thing where I just learned to bottle up the things I was thinking.... and I always hated doing that....But now, just when I think things are going great I get a little surge of that old habit.
I guess it really is just an issue of mind over matter. I just hope he knows I'm worth the trouble! ;)

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